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All of this happened- me thinking about giving away what God wants me to save- because of MONEY. I really want to be independent. But independence via dependence on men to give you money because you have sex with them doesn’t seem very independent. I am tired of being under the weight of my father’s decisions because he is my bank. It’s great being able to go see a movie whenever I want, to eat mostly produce, to buy the new when the old breaks. But it’s just not worth it. And my dad has my best interests at heart and only wants me to be happy. But all I know is that I am the happiest I have ever been. I’m a sort of happy that I never thought was real, that I thought everyone just went along with because it was a good farce. But it is true, there is a real bliss in life, and it’s been handed to me at age 20. If God can clothe the lilies of the field, he can clothe me. If John the Baptist can thrive on honey and locusts, so can I. I can go to school, I can work my ass off, I can be tired and hungry and not get enough sleep (like right now). I know of several amazing people who are doing it right now. So I can do it. I thought this would happen later but it’s probably good it’s happening now. But I need all of you to help me to keep putting all of this fear about money into God’s huge and ever-stretching hands!
Damn. I feel so much better than I did a few hours ago.
